Why Is Everything Still a Competition?

What if taking up space was never something we had to earn?

I went to a women’s networking event recently. One of those genuinely lovely spaces where women are there to support each other rather than compete. The woman leading it spoke about community, about non-judgement, about holding space for one another. And she meant it. The whole room felt warm, open and encouraging. Nobody was trying to tear anybody else down. Nobody was posturing or performing superiority.

And yet, as we went around introducing ourselves, there it was. That little voice.

'Oh, she’s far more confident than me.'

'She’s doing something similar to what I do, but I bet she’s much better at it.'

'She sounds so polished.'

'Her business is probably far more successful.'

It struck me afterwards how automatic comparing ourselves to others has become. Even in safe spaces. Even in supportive communities. Even amongst women who genuinely want one another to succeed.

And the strange thing is, intellectually, I don’t actually believe any of it.

I have spent years trying to unpick the idea that human beings should be measured against each other like products on a shelf. Years trying to move away from this constant comparison culture that tells us somebody always has to be winning, prettier, more successful, more spiritual, more organised or more worthy. I genuinely believe that we are all different, all walking different paths, all bringing something unique into the world.

If I ever catch myself slipping into superiority, I challenge it quickly. If I have the thought that I’m prettier than somebody, more organised than somebody or further along than somebody, I can usually stop myself and remember that life is not a hierarchy. Somebody else being different from me does not make either of us better or worse.

But I’ve realised something recently.

I can interrupt the thought that I’m better than somebody else. But what I still struggle to interrupt is the thought that everybody else is better than me.

And I suspect I’m not alone in that.

Why Women Compare Themselves To Others

Because I don’t think comparing ourselves to others is simply a personal flaw anymore. In many ways, understanding why women compare themselves to others means looking at the conditioning woven throughout our culture.

There’s actually a psychological theory called Social Comparison Theory, developed in the 1950s by psychologist Leon Festinger, which suggests that humans naturally evaluate themselves by comparing themselves to other people. In some ways, that makes sense. Human beings are social creatures. We are wired to look around and ask questions about where we fit, whether we belong and whether we are safe within the group.

But modern life has amplified female comparison beyond recognition.

Once upon a time, most people compared themselves to a relatively small circle of family, neighbours and peers. Now our “village” is the entire internet. We are constantly exposed to curated versions of other people’s lives, relationships, businesses, homes, bodies and achievements.

You can wake up in the morning and within ten minutes compare yourself to somebody else’s body, parenting, wardrobe, productivity, emotional resilience, business success or spiritual practice before you’ve even finished your first cup of tea.

And even though we all know social media comparison is built on carefully selected moments, it still affects us.

We know people are posting filtered snapshots rather than full realities. We know most people are not sharing the photograph where they think they look bloated, exhausted or unhappy. Most of us have taken twenty photographs to find the one we feel acceptable in. Most of us have cropped ourselves out of pictures because everybody else looked great but we hated the way we looked.

We know this logically. And still the comparison creeps in. Social media has amplified why women compare themselves to others by placing curated lives in front of us constantly

I think part of the reason is because comparison is rarely really about envy. It is about belonging.

When I sat in that networking room listening to women speak confidently about their businesses and passions, I wasn’t actually thinking, I want to become her. What I was really thinking was, do I still deserve to be here alongside these women?

That is a very different question.

The Exhaustion of Constant Self-Monitoring

I think women are conditioned to ask that question constantly.

From childhood onwards, girls are so often taught, both subtly and overtly, to monitor themselves. To be aware of how they look, how they sound, how they come across, whether they are too loud, too emotional, too ambitious or too opinionated. We are taught to reshape ourselves into something acceptable.

Little boys are often praised for potential, boldness and capability. Girls are so often praised for being lovely, pretty, helpful or good.

Not always, of course. But often enough that it becomes cultural wallpaper.

Then we grow up carrying this exhausting internal balancing act where we are expected to be confident, but not arrogant. Attractive, but effortless. Successful, but still nurturing. Ageing naturally, but not visibly. Independent, but still desirable. Strong, but endlessly accommodating.

The list is impossible.

So many women end up walking around feeling simultaneously too much and not enough all at once. Constantly comparing themselves to others whilst never quite feeling worthy enough.

Too emotional. Not confident enough.

Too outspoken. Not successful enough.

Too sensitive. Not attractive enough.

Too complicated. Not worthy enough.

And I think this matters because comparison and self-worth become so deeply entangled that many women no longer know where one begins and the other ends.

We often talk about comparison as though it’s vanity, but honestly, it feels much more like labour. Constant internal labour. Constant self-monitoring. Constant recalculating.

You walk into a room and without even meaning to, part of your brain starts scanning:

How do I look?

Am I fitting in?

Am I falling behind?

Am I good enough?

Do I belong here?

Then, on top of that, many of us are trying to consciously challenge those thoughts because we know they are harmful. We are trying to reframe things, remind ourselves that everybody’s journey is different and remember that somebody else shining does not diminish our own light.

But even that takes energy. Particularly when the world around us keeps reinforcing the original message that we are somehow still not quite enough.

Social Media Comparison and Feeling “Not Enough”

Modern society absolutely thrives on insecurity.

There is an entire economy built around convincing us that we need fixing. That we need to improve, optimise, shrink, heal, organise, detox, enhance, smooth, tone, hustle or glow-up before we can finally arrive at worthiness.

As long as people remain slightly uncomfortable with themselves, they keep consuming.

And women have historically carried a huge amount of that burden.

I think that’s partly why I’ve found myself reflecting so much recently on entering what many would call the “crone” phase of life. Honestly, I love that word now in a way I never would have done twenty years ago. There is something unexpectedly freeing about getting older as a woman. Not because you stop caring entirely, but because you slowly stop auditioning quite so hard.

In your twenties, there can be enormous pressure around becoming. Becoming desirable, successful, lovable, chosen. Then, for many women, the motherhood years become about everyone else’s needs. Looking after, holding together, fitting into every role properly and making sure you are doing enough for everybody around you.

There is something deeply freeing about no longer auditioning for your own life

And then something starts shifting. You begin to realise that maybe you do not need to spend your entire existence reshaping yourself to fit every room you enter.

Maybe you are allowed to simply arrive as you are.

That doesn’t mean comparison disappears overnight. Clearly it doesn’t. I can sit in a beautiful, supportive room full of women and still hear that old conditioning whispering in my ear. But I think what changes with age is that you begin to question the voice rather than automatically obey it.

You begin to realise that confidence does not necessarily equal worthiness. That polish is not the same as truth. That everybody in the room is carrying insecurities you cannot see.

And perhaps most importantly, you begin to understand that taking up space is not something you have to earn.

Women Taking Up Space Without Apology

I think that’s the part I keep coming back to.

Not self-love in the glossy Instagram sense. Not pretending we never feel insecure. Not trying to become the most evolved person in the room.

Just the quiet, stubborn understanding that we deserve to exist here too.

Without constantly proving ourselves.

Without shrinking ourselves.

Without apologising for ourselves.

Without measuring our worth against every other woman we meet.

Because the truth is, if we continue teaching generations of women that their value lies in how well they perform, compare, compete and conform, then of course they will keep walking into rooms wondering whether they belong there.

Maybe the real work is not eliminating comparison entirely. Maybe it is learning to recognise it without letting it define our worth.

Maybe it is teaching younger generations that individuality is not a problem to solve.

Maybe it is finally understanding that somebody else being extraordinary does not make us ordinary.

And maybe, after all these years, the most radical thing a woman can say is not “I am better than everyone else.”

It’s simply:

I fucking deserve to be here.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you noticed yourself comparing your life, appearance or success to other people, even in supportive spaces? And have you found that changing with age, experience or confidence? Feel free to share your reflections in the comments or connect with me on social media — because maybe the more honestly we talk about this, the less power comparison holds over us.